goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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