i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
