i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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