Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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