There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize