i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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