I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
