Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize