is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
