they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
