Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
