yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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