just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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