I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
