my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
