I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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