I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
