I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
