hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
