I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
