He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
