I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
