They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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