she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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