Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
