Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
