I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Watching her eat just hurts me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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