did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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