Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
