don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
