So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
