fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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