I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
