you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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