you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
