here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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