my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
