if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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