I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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