Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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