I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
