just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
