Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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