They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
