next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my sisters under your porch take her home
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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