She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
