Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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