Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
