I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
