There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
