Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
