i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
