I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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