He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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