I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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