I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
