My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
