I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
